Why Is Divorce So Hard for Men?

There is a lot written about women and divorce. I know because I was one of those women. I went through betrayal, separation and divorce, and I know what it feels like to watch the life you thought you were going to have disappear. But since running Mending Hearts and spending so much time around people dealing with divorce, grief and loss, I have found myself thinking more and more about the other side of it. What happens to the men?

I wonder how many men are sitting alone after leaving the family home, seeing their children less than they used to, trying to carry on with work and everyday life while privately wondering how everything changed so quickly. They may have friends around them and people they could technically talk to, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're telling anyone how they actually feel. From the outside they can look as though they're coping perfectly well, while inside they're dealing with loneliness, anger, guilt, regret and the enormous loss of the family life they once knew.

Life after divorce for men can look completely normal from the outside while feeling very different behind closed doors. Losing the family home, seeing your children less and trying to work out who you are outside the marriage can take far longer to process than people realise.

I don't think men should have to deal with that alone. You don't have to be falling apart or at a breaking point before you're allowed to admit that you're struggling. Divorce is a huge life change, and whether you wanted the marriage to end or not, there can still be an enormous amount to grieve.

Why Do Men Feel Guilty After Divorce?

Guilt is something I particularly want to talk about because I think there are men carrying it for years after their marriages have ended. Maybe you were the one who left. Maybe you had an affair. Maybe you weren't emotionally available. Maybe you worked too much or stopped communicating. Perhaps you know you made mistakes and would do things very differently if you had your time again.

There was infidelity in my own marriage, and eventually I forgave my ex. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt, because of course it did, and it doesn't mean I believe infidelity should simply be excused. We are all responsible for the choices we make. But with time I was able to look at our marriage differently and accept that, for us to have reached that point, things between us clearly hadn't been right for some time. I had to be prepared to look at my part in that too.

One of the biggest things my marriage taught me is what can happen when two people stop communicating because they are trying to keep the peace. You don't say what you're really thinking because you don't want another argument. You let things go because it seems easier. Gradually, you stop talking about the things that actually matter and the distance between you gets bigger without either of you necessarily acknowledging it. Sometimes that is the space where infidelity creeps in.

I am not saying that somebody who has been cheated on is responsible for their partner's decision to have an affair. That isn't what I mean at all. What I learnt from my own experience was that understanding how our relationship had reached that place helped me far more than spending the rest of my life deciding who was the villain and who was the victim. Forgiving him eventually allowed me to stop carrying the anger, and accepting my own part in the breakdown of our marriage allowed me to learn from it.

I think men deserve the opportunity to make sense of their side of the story too.

If you made mistakes in your marriage, you can take responsibility for them without sentencing yourself to years of guilt. If you've already left the family home and you're waking up without your children there every morning, that may already feel like an enormous punishment. Adding another five or ten years of beating yourself up isn't going to repair what happened. It isn't going to make you a better father and it isn't going to help you have a healthier relationship in the future.

There has to come a point when guilt becomes understanding. You can look at what happened, acknowledge the things you wish you had done differently, apologise where an apology is needed and learn from it. Then you have to give yourself permission to move forward.

Why Do Some Men Struggle After Divorce?

I think this is where some men get missed. They continue working, exercising, seeing friends and getting on with life, so everybody assumes they're okay. Maybe you've even convinced yourself you're okay because you're functioning perfectly well.

But perhaps you dread going back to an empty house. Maybe you miss putting your children to bed more than you can explain to anyone. Maybe you're furious with your ex but underneath that anger you're actually devastated. Perhaps you've started dating again because being alone feels worse, only to discover that a new relationship doesn't automatically remove everything you're carrying from the old one.

Sometimes it's easier to say you're angry than to admit you're hurt. It's easier to argue about money or the house than admit you're frightened about what your future looks like. It's easier to keep yourself constantly busy than sit quietly and work out who you are now that you're no longer part of the family unit you spent years building.

There is also a much bigger reason why I think we need to get men talking. According to the latest figures from the Office for National Statistics, the suicide rate for men in England and Wales in 2024 was 17.6 deaths per 100,000, compared with 5.7 for women. Men aged 50 to 54 had the highest male suicide rate of any age group, at 27.5 deaths per 100,000. I don't mention those figures to frighten anyone, and I'm certainly not suggesting that every man struggling after divorce is in crisis. I mention them because I think we need to stop waiting until men reach breaking point before deciding it's okay for them to ask for help.

This is exactly why I think having somewhere to talk matters.

Do Men Need Therapy After Divorce?

Not every man going through divorce needs therapy, but I also don't believe you need to wait until you're at rock bottom before asking for help.

Sometimes you simply need somewhere you can finally say the things you've been carrying around in your head without worrying about being judged, upsetting your children, annoying your friends or starting another argument with your ex.

Therapy after divorce isn't about sitting in a room being told everything you did wrong. It's an opportunity to understand what happened, why you're feeling the way you do and what you want to do differently from here.

You might discover that what you've been calling anger is actually grief. You might realise you've been carrying guilt that isn't helping anybody. You might finally talk about how much you miss your children or how lonely you've become since leaving the family home.

Talking doesn't change what happened, but it can change what you carry forward with you.

Can a Men's Divorce Retreat Help?

This is exactly why I decided to introduce dedicated men's retreats at Mending Hearts.

I didn't want to create a men's version of a wellness holiday and pretend a massage, a yoga class and a few days in the sunshine were going to sort everything out. Mending Hearts has always been built around proper therapeutic support, and the men's retreat will be exactly the same.

A retreat gives you something that can be incredibly difficult to find when you're in the middle of divorce: time and space away from the noise of your normal life. You're not trying to squeeze everything you've been feeling into an hour before going straight back to work, the children, solicitors, messages from your ex and everything else you're dealing with. You have several days where you can start talking, slowly if that's what you need, and begin making sense of what has actually happened.

Our retreats include daily group therapy with a qualified therapist and the opportunity for individual support. You are also surrounded by other men who have their own stories and their own reasons for being there. Nobody needs to walk into the room on the first morning and immediately tell a group of strangers everything they've ever done wrong. You start where you are, and you talk when you're ready.

I think there is something incredibly powerful about sitting with other people and realising that you are not the only person feeling the way you do. The man sitting next to you may have been the one who was left. Another may have been the one who left. Somebody may have lost his wife through bereavement. Somebody else may be carrying guilt about something that happened during his marriage. Their stories won't be identical, but the feelings underneath them may be far more similar than they realise.

The purpose isn't to spend a week blaming your ex or punishing yourself. It's to understand what happened, what you're carrying and, importantly, what you no longer need to carry. It's about talking through the anger, guilt, grief, confidence, relationships and identity that can all become tangled together when a marriage ends. Once you begin making sense of those things, you can start thinking about how you actually want to live from here.

That is what moving forward means to me. It isn't pretending the past didn't happen or telling yourself to get over it. It's being able to look at it, learn from it and not allow it to dictate the rest of your life.

What Happens After a Mending Hearts Retreat?

One of the biggest things I've learnt from running Mending Hearts is that therapy is incredibly important, but so is connection. I've watched people arrive at retreats not knowing anyone and leave with friendships that continue long afterwards. I've seen previous guests meet up, travel together and support each other through completely different stages of their lives.

That's why I'm now building the Mending Hearts Club.

Our retreats themselves are separated by gender because I want men to have the freedom to talk openly with other men, just as I want women to have that space with other women. After attending a retreat, however, guests can become part of the wider Mending Hearts community, bringing men and women together through meet-ups, dinners, trips and experiences.

I don't want someone to come to Marrakech, spend a week making connections and beginning to feel differently, and then simply go home and be on their own again. I want Mending Hearts to become a community of people who have all experienced some form of loss or major life change and who are interested in what comes next.

Because there is a next.

How Do You Move Forward After Divorce?

I divorced at 50 and at the time I couldn't possibly have known where my life was going. Since then I've rebuilt it, remarried, moved to Thailand, created Mending Hearts Retreat and pushed myself to do things I never imagined I would do. My divorce is part of my story, but it didn't get to decide the rest of it.

I want men going through divorce to understand that too. You can regret things you've done without allowing regret to become your identity. You can accept responsibility without believing you deserve to suffer forever. You can miss your children terribly while still building a meaningful life outside the family home. You can be the person who made mistakes and still deserve support.

Most importantly, you don't have to wait until everything becomes unbearable before you talk to somebody. Sometimes moving forward begins with simply being able to sit in a room and finally say what you've been carrying around in your head for months or even years.

No one should have to go through this kind of pain on their own.

Our first dedicated Men's Divorce & Grief Retreat takes place in Marrakech from 5–11 June 2027. It isn't about telling you how to feel or deciding who was right and who was wrong. It's about giving you the space, professional support and time to start talking, make sense of what has happened and work out where you want to go from here.

You don't need to arrive with the answers. That's exactly why we're there.

If you would like to find out more about our mens retreats visit our website https://www.mendingheartsretreat.com/retreats-for-men